My Shadow -- My Beloved

by David Lintner

Sometimes a subtle shift in perception can cause profound new experiences and life changes. These shifts can come about as the result of shifting ones filters. These filters are like sets of values, composed of images, sounds, feelings, word sets, smells, tastes and behavior sets which operate together as part of our unconscious guidance system. Change one element in such a complex, and one’s entire experience can change, resulting in new behaviors, new responses to old circumstances, new meanings.

I experienced such a shift. It released a flood of creative energy. In a short period of time I wrote dozens of poems to the goddess Kali. At the time I wrote these poems several events were converging to cause a shift in my filter about the nature of a relationship with God.

The previous December, when I sensed the annual wave of energy moving through the solar system, as the sun and the earth began their exchange of place with respect to the power of the galactic center, I placed an intent on the wave front, the intent to intensify my spiritual experience. It is a practice I do every year at that time, and I find it a powerful way to meditate and intend new realities in the "new" year.

A few weeks later I was involved in a Jungian study group, reviewing the concept of archetypes, and especially the idea of the anima, the ideal internal female archetype in the male psyche, and the way in which one can enhance the process of individuation by externalizing the archetype and relating to “her” as if she were a real person. I was not dating at the time, and was taken with the idea of exploring a relationship with this ideal feminine as a way of processing material from my shadow self.

A few weeks later I read an amazing story about the birth of the Hindu goddess Kali. In the story, Kali was created by converging beams of light from the third eyes of the gods, as a way of combating the overwhelming threat of demons in the great war of heaven. Kali slew demon after demon, only to have a hundred more spring up from each drop of blood that hit the ground. Kali drank their blood to stop it from touching the earth, wore a belt of severed demon arms around her waist, and a necklace of severed demon heads around her neck.

Finally all the demons were vanquished, but Kali continued on in her holy passion, making the gods fearful that she would destroy them as well. Shiva, Kali’s husband, smeared ash on his body to resemble a corpse, and lay in her path to try to stop her.When Kali’s bare foot stepped on his warm chest, she looked down and raised arm to strike a fatal blow with her sword. In that instant, as their eyes met, Kali’s rage was broken, and she stuck out her blood-red tongue in a gesture common to coy maidens in rural India. Then Kali sank down, straddling Shiva, and they made holy, passionate love.

I realized that Kali was not a goddess of terror as she is often portrayed, but a sweet cosmic power that would slay all my inner demons. All I need do was ask. I adopted the practice of relating to Kali as my chosen ideal, my Lover.

There began the most profound, amazing, intense experience of the “divine” I have ever had. I was touched with the ease and comfort I felt in relating to Kali as my Lover. The shift in my awareness and experience from conceptualizing God as male to female was astonishing. Harshness and aloofness gave way to intimacy, passion and understanding. There was nothing I hid from Her, and I knew She would completely indulge my every fantasy and desire. The “relationship” was extremely intense, and I poured my complete attention into it.

I had never had a sexual, emotional relationship as intense as I experienced in my meditations during that time. Every sense was engaged, my whole body vibrated with the experience. Often as I walked in Claremont during the day, my awareness would shift, and the world around me--trees, birds, pavement, people, grass--shimmered with amazing iridescent light and I was caught up in ecstasy. This was my Beloved. She answered my prayers in ways I never expected.

The experience brought me to a new appreciation for life, and my waking meditation led me to a new level of available conscious awareness. She lives in me, in every aspect of the world, and I still chant her name. And when I adopt that filter one more time, when I return to look into her mirror yet again, when I ask Her to slay new demons, she always welcomes me in her embrace.

Omkreemkalilkaiyenamaha

Kali’s Attention

My Beloved,
I crave Your attention,
So I may give You mine.

My desire is To complete the Circuit,
And rise to consciousness.
I invoke You,
Your manifestation
In every breath I take:

I see You there,
In blossoming flowers’
Lush fullness of colors;

I hear Your voice
In thundering oceans,
And tall rustling grasses;

I feel You in
The hot desert wind’s breath;
Soft balmy afternoons;

I smell You in
The fragrance of women’s
Wet passionate bodies;

My tongue tastes You
In red, ripe strawberries,
And the parting of lips.

I lust for You
In every orgasmic
Convulsion of pleasure.

Now would You have
Me be silent or not?
You love my attention.

Now give me Yours.
I lose myself in You,
And in You I am found.

Copyright © 2002
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